Having a baby was the hardest thing I had ever done. I was really calm when pregnant, checking every week what the baby could do and what size she was. My daughter had other ideas about my planned caesarean (she was breech and refused to turn round with the painful ECV procedure) and after an emergency c-section I found myself at 00.45 on the maternity ward wondering what on earth was going on. I didn’t even know how to put a nappy on. My beautiful baby screamed non-stop, she was hungry and I couldn’t feed her. I had to extract what I could with a syringe and after begging the nurses for formula I struggled with combination feeding which took 1.5 hours each time. When at home I was constantly on edge. I would obsessively sort, fold, pack nappy bags, and do anything except ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’. I used to go out of the house constantly because I had no idea how to occupy a baby by myself. I was horrible to my husband for around 6 months solid, I was exhausted and when I should sleep was instead going over and over past situations in my head. I wish I had been brave enough to go to the SMILE group. I wanted to go many times but stopped myself because I thought I would be judged. We don’t judge because we know how hard it is.